Beauty

David versus Goliath. Kane versus Abel. Superman versus Lex. Tova versus self tanner. All of these stories are examples of epic battles. I first discovered self tanner about 12 years ago and the result was so horrific that I stayed away for a couple of years. Then I used it again and once more I was scarred. Every spring I go through the same damn thing. I exfoliate the bejeebus out of myself. Moisturize. Wear gloves. Pray to a deity. And every. freaking. time I look like a burn victim. Ugh. And every. freaking. time I tell myself "This time will be better". I'm sure I have spent enough on self tanner to fund a child's college education (Canadian community college- let's not exaggerate here.) and still I end up streaky.

So last night I gave it the old college try once again. (Don't try to change me). And the results? Kerblast! Thank the stars it is winter and I can rock a turtleneck. Seriously. I have like a Rorschach test on one of my arms. A topical map of the Andes on my thigh. And something that looks slightly like my second grade teacher, on my back. Sob! Why?

Now you might ask "Why not try a solarium?". Ha! No way Jose. I've got skin that gets paler in the sun and no spanks to solariums. They are the debil. I know people who use them and I don't mind as I like these people but these tanning booths are not for me. I had thought I had given up the self tanner last year but my watching of The Hills reruns and thinking about running around in a mini toga for my birthay party, had me reaching for the stinky stuff. Sigh. Tonight I will have to enter the bathroom again and try and "fix" what I have done to myself and I know I will end up looking like Snookie.

On the other hand, maybe somewhere out there, there is a self tanning company that wants to send me a free sample and then I can be all like "This stuff's the bomb". And this company will be like, we also have teeth whitening products and diet pills we'd like you to test.. oh and shoes.

So if you are a self tanning company, send me my sample (a big one, I've put on weight due to 2009 being a shiteous year) to:

Tova the Party Planner
Unable to stop streaking 1
Vienna, Austria

or just email me at tmspatz@gmail.com

Ha! I'm delusional. Must be the self tanner.